It’s that time of year again, I’m afraid. The time when the population is divided into two very different groups.

1. The Singles: Usually stereotyped as hiding under their duvets on Valentine’s Day munching on a tub of Cookie Dough and swigging Absolut straight from the bottle. They can usually be identified by the stench of loneliness and permanently damp hair (from crying themselves to sleep every night, of course).
2. The Couples: Ridiculously happy and often found wearing heart shaped/red-hued clothing on 14th Feb. These can be identified as the people who selfishly book restaurant tables well in advance and insist on causing nation-wide nausea with too much PDA.

But let’s all be honest. Most of us don’t fit into either of these groups. If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is just another day of chilling with a cup of tea and watching a bit of Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s not tragic, it just means you don’t have to bother about making lasagne for anyone else but yourself. If you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day is nice enough too. Going out for dinner is always a pleasant experience and there is usually some kind of Valentine’s Day discount on the go too – win-win by all accounts AM I RIGHT? I’ve not met many people that actually say “Oh yes, buying my boyfriend/girlfriend a load of stupid presents just after Christmas is exactly what I want to do”.

Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day presents. My ex-boyfriend bought me a teddy bear that said ‘I love you’ before he had actually even said it himself. I may as well have gone out with the bear, maybe the relationship would have gone better. What on earth am I supposed to do with a teddy bear? I’m not five years old. I’m not displaying that in my bedroom, it’s embarrassing. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Valentine’s Day and I’m not averse to buying the fellow in my life a few presents. But all of this heart nonsense and ridiculous cards that have horrible cringey poems on them need to be gone.

So, annnyyyywayyy how can you do Valentine’s Day when you find it terribly awkward?

Do buy cards that don’t make you want to die.

Relationships are complicated. Whether you’ve been married for years, going out with someone for a while or have just started dating, one card that says “I will love you until the end of time, my life, my love, my Valentine” is guaranteed to make your significant other want to throw up. It makes me want to throw up right now and we’re nowhere near V Day. If you’re looking for a card that’s less awkward and less horrible, think about investing in something a little more true to life.

Do buy presents that aren’t ridiculous.

A heart shaped pillow, a teddy bear, chocolate, flowers. Just no. Why do you insist on trivialising our relationship with useless rubbish that I will never use, will make me fat and/or will die a week after I received them.

The most useful presents I have ever been given for Valentine’s Day were a camera and a pair of Kurt Geiger heels. What more could a girl want? I used that camera for years and I still wear my Geigers. That tragic teddy bear went in the bin pretty much as soon as I got it. Call me cruel, but that is just the way it is. Here are some sensible Valentine’s Day presents, both for him and for her.

Don’t make heart shaped brownies.

This extends to any sort of food, but especially desserts. I’m just going to eat it and I would rather you showed your love for me through fixing my laptop. Or at the very least saying, “you have fantastic hair”.

Do go on a normal date.

If you usually sit about and watch TV (and enjoy it too), then why is it suddenly normal to go to a stuffy fine dining restaurant on Valentine’s Day? Or even worse, go something activity based like mini golf or bowling. If you like that sort of thing, then that’s fine. But don’t feel like you have to do something “romantic” just because it’s Valentine’s Day. Having a nice dinner at home can be romantic. And going to the cinema can be romantic too (especially since you don’t have to talk for a couple of hours). Valentine’s Day is hugely less awkward if you don’t put any pressure on it. HUGELY.

My main ‘lets make Valentine’s Day less awkward and horrible’ tip is to be yourself in every way, shape or form. There’s no need to turn into some mental tragedy because you’re single. Equally, there’s no need to drown yourself in rose petals and hearts. Let’s all just be normal human beings. Without the pink glitter.

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